Depths of pain

Emotions can creep up on us. Or they can spring out of nowhere all in a rush. It can be difficult to figure out what kind of day it might be, let alone how to process these emotions healthily without communicating unhelpfully with ourselves or others.

Sometimes a day will seem like it’s going one way, cruising along almost smoothly, and all the right decisions are being made. Enough sleep has happened at a good time, food has been eaten which contains the right kind of energy for the day’s activities, exercise of a kind has been engaged in, and meaningful time has been spent with others.

Then, it’s like a switch flips and everything goes downhill. Energy quickly fades even if I’ve just eaten. Enthusiasm for whatever task I’m doing wanes. My mind slows down so much things as simple as typing a short message take disproportionately longer than normal. When I am conscious of this happening, it hurts even more because often there is no reason I can put my finger on. Being aware of it makes it even more frustrating because it seems like I can’t do anything to change it.

Our emotions being set or stuck might be true temporarily, but our emotional state is not an unchanging beast. Sometimes we will have to sit with difficult emotions for a time. Bereavement, sports teams losing or winning, disagreements with family, car accidents, injuries, watching a moving performance, unexpected bills – these things all provide reason for deep emotion. Knowing the reason for these emotions can make it easier to sit with them, and work through them healthily, and ask for help if we need it.

On those days where it seems like there is no reason for particular emotion it can be much harder to sit with. And if our mind is all foggy, it can make either accepting how we are feeling or pragmatically working through it nigh on impossible. For me this can lead to resentment when others tell me simple good things about their day. A nice meal they had. Walking in the sun while I’m inside at work. Expressing joy at motivation and productivity, when everything is taking five times longer than it normally would for me. This is unhelpful for my mindset, and can cause real harm if any of this is expressed towards well-meaning and loving friends and family.

Like another of my recent posts, I don’t have an answer to feeling like I am enough. I can’t even really say I’ve prayed about it much because it’s been really difficult to focus on spending time with God, breathing, and healthily letting these emotions run whatever course they need to, without outbursts of frustration and pain.

But, identifying where I need to do better is a good start. It’s not an overnight process, and right now I can’t see a time where feeling lost and undeserving is not a part of my life. That hurts deeply. Yet, I can say it will be temporary even if my heart doesn’t believe it right now.

* * *

Is there some deep hurt in your life which you can’t quite put your finger on?

Are there people you trust to share these things with in your life?

* * *

You are brave. You are courageous. Know this. Even if the words sound foreign to your lips, hold onto the meaning within them. Sometimes it’s all we can do.

Peace to you, dear friends.

Cover photo by Jeremy Bishop from Pexels.


2 thoughts on “Depths of pain

  1. Divine-Royalty says:

    It is impossible to win the race unless you venture to run, impossible to win the victory unless you dare to battle. The hardest battle is given to the strongest soldiers “Don’t give up”. Pain is a promotion packaged in ugly pack

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hamish says:

    I like that, “pain is promotion packaged in ugly pack.” Often what we find on the other side is what we needed, but it’s difficult to take the streets when we can’t see them. So, as you encourage, run the race, dare to battle, and Go where God is guiding us.

    Thank you my friend. 🙏


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