Even reading through the title of this post was a bit difficult. And reading is something I usually love doing. There is a reason some phrases are clichés, and this one resonates strongly with me. When I am struggling, depression piling on and pulling me deeper under the surface, the emotions sometimes form into poetry or songs that express the pain. How to consistently use this process to help me slowly climb out of the darkness is another matter, and one which is often elusive.
When we feel the inkling of motivation to create something, sometimes it’s difficult to figure out what we want to create. I know I enjoy writing stories, writing songs and poetry, unfurling adventures while playing D&D, and creating meaningful connections with people I am with. Yet I struggle to fully present myself to these moments.
Well, is mean, most of the time I love doing these things. But creation doesn’t always go to plan.
When I have a weekend like the one just passed, thinking becomes blurry and I have to fight my own mind constantly to do even the simplest of tasks. For many people something like buying new sports shoes involves making the decision to do it, and then going and doing it. For me, it involves a lot of overthinking: Which store? What type of shoes? Do I have to talk to an attendant? Will they be able to answer my questions? Will the shoes fit after I’d take them home? What if it don’t find any that do the job? If I say I’m going to come back later, and then don’t, does that mean I’ve lied, however unintentionally that might have been? Can I go somewhere else? Will my feet hurt? How much to spend?
These questions are only some of the multitude that fly through my mind. And this is for nearly anything that I might feel encouragement within my soul to do. Buying gloves because the temperature is cold in winter. Sharing stories to work my way towards publishing things. Finishing songs I start writing, and then getting started on recording them. Playing ultimate and being a conscientious member of each game. Choosing to watch TV, or play video games, or read a book. Trying to embrace the courage to embark on doing something new.
This is exhausting. It is not a healthy use of time and I know it. But even this knowing becomes part of the negative thought spiral. Being annoyed at myself for not being able to believe the truth, that asking these questions about something that hasn’t happened, is not something that helps pragmatic progress.
A hook for a song that burned its way up from the depths of my soul this week:
Piece by piece the cracks within my heart will heal
But do I want them to, knowing the pain they conceal?
Hiding away from selfish pride
Willing tears that always die
Reflection of the darkness deep within
The end is near, but not like this
Everyone has their demons. Some are plainly visible, some hide just beneath the surface, others are buried deep within.
Know you are not alone. I do, even if I can’t believe it all the time I know it is the truth. I pray God’s peace and comfort go with you as we move into the second half of this year.