Restless heart

I dislike injustice with a passion. Decisions we think are wrong will be made, whether we are thinking objectively or with bias. These can be managed, explained, or rectified, possibly a combination of all three. But when we see fault by deliberate action or what looks like chosen ignorance of the truth that perpetuates an unjust system, this is where deep pain can lie.

While applying for jobs and trying to find a place to live I see only part of the process. I am an applicant sending in documentation which explains why I am a good fit. To stand out and further my chances of selection I must do something different, be an outlier in a positive way. It seems that my chosen ways of doing this often get me noticed, positively, but then rejected anyway. Again I stress, I only see part of the process. Maybe I truly am not suitable for any of the positions I have applied for so far.

None of this helps. Even if deep in our heart we know we are putting our best foot forward, doubt still creeps in. Would I be good at this job? Would I get on with these people and would they get on with me? Why bother with another application, won’t it just get rejected like the others anyway? When we are stuck in the moment it is hard to see through the fog to a positive outcome.

This weekend I am to move house. My landlords are the best I’ve had and their communication was early and clear about when our lease ended. Through the kindness in their hearts, and undeservedly feeling bad for us having to move out, they are still helping me in my search for a new home. As yet my search has been unsuccessful. If it remains that way until the weekend I will have to take up one of several gracious offers of temporary accommodation while continuing to seek a permanent residence. Though this support is extended without expectation of anything in return, and it may well be necessary, it is still difficult for me to accept. It feels like doing so acknowledges that I am jobless and house-less at thirty two. And however temporarily that is, it feels like acknowledging failure.

None of this helps. Focussing only on the bad about where we are right now and thinking about decisions we could have made differently will keep us wondering about the past. We can go over and over in our heads the different ‘what if’ moments we had, but none of them are we able to change. Accepting support which is offered freely may be difficult, but don’t give it a chance to turn into another what if moment. Pay it forward to yourself and those around you.

Being between jobs makes it difficult to seem a desirable choice as a flatmate. Being unemployed makes it more difficult to find a job than if currently employed. We will never have all the answers. Right now I feel as though I don’t have any! All I can do is lift my troubles to the Lord and pray. Pray for peace in my heart as I continuing applying for jobs, searching for a place to call home, and try to find, understand, and embrace what God put me on this earth to do.

Keep asking the hard questions, of yourself and others. Keep believing you can move forward. Maybe not that far this morning, maybe not that far today, but keep putting one foot in front of the other and you will move forward.

You are worthy of all you work hard to achieve, dear reader. Remember this hard work includes rest and recovery when we are fatigued.

Dream big. Embrace peace. Love always.


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