Degrees of descending

Day 4, 11/07/2018: From a personal perspective I thought things could only get better after yesterday. But, once again like many times before, I was to find out that thought was most definitely false.

I can count the times I have been proud of how I’ve played in a game, let alone a tournament, on one hand. For me there is often only acceptable and then worse than that. The phrase from yesterday fits here; ‘more often than not’ I sit below being ok with how I played and just above being terribly annoyed and disappointed with myself. This can be for many things, ranging from throwing the disc away to poor options far too often, to seeing myself as having acted contrary to my personal beliefs and thus failed to uphold the spirit of the game. I hold myself to an unattainable standard and this pains me in more areas of my life than just ultimate.

What’s odd about yesterday and today is I know I played well enough when I was on the field, but I’m not happy because I could have played better and been a better sideline voice. Mentally I felt more capable of trucking along with life today but I wanted to play ultimate less than yesterday. I tried to run through these feelings and get to where I could enjoy at least some of the game of which I got close but didn’t quite make it.

I know I played well but was frustrated with our team treating the disc like a consumable-throw-away item and not a valuable antique to be kept in pristine condition. A friend of my sister’s has the right idea in my books:

– Attempting to approach zero turnover ultimate.

Obviously in games against some opposition this is not possible and you have to take riskier options because the easier ones are taken away by tight defence. In some conditions strategy goes out the window because the wind is too strong or the rain makes catching certain passes nigh on impossible.

However, if the weather is near perfect, your offence is not struggling to find easy passes, and there are no high stall bailouts, why try to score with a lower percentage passes?

To sum up my day, Wildcats played well in patches and there are positives to build on. I can’t see these bright patches, for me or others, because my darkness blocks out these rays of sun. We lost 10-15 and I know it should have been closer. I brushed the top of a disc thrown by my mark on our goal line for a score, I handblocked a disc on their goal line back into their endzone straight to an opposing player, I marked out players but others scored with a seemingly far too simple cut. I felt unfilled and tired. I work hard and unforced throwaways make me pull all my energy into not collapsing in a heap of crumpled self-frustration and rage on the ground.

After the game I realised there was an option I would have preferred for accommodation but I don’t, and didn’t, have data to check the message asking people if they wished to stay there. I encouraged people to play Mario Kart and they keenly accepted but I ended up 9th, 10th, and 11th, also affectionately known as fourth to last, third to last, and second to last. Clearly I didn’t learn my lesson from attempting a form of competitive relaxation yesterday at mini golf and this further detrimented my mental well-being.

Right now pizza has just arrived at 23.30, far too late for me to eat and sleep at a reasonable hour. No one’s fault as our game ran late, we got to our accommodation late, and one of our players ordered ASAP when we arrived.

By choice I am sitting in a stairwell to the laundry of the apartment block we’re staying in doing everything I can to stave off a torrent of tears. This happens on my worst days, and this is one of them.

Kia kaha readers, for we all have bad days. But tomorrow surely the descent into darkness must abate? These words I don’t believe but say anyway.

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